Conflicts Always Arise

I know, we all have problems. I just never dealt with them the right way. I used to get drunk and forget it. Now, dealing with problems are getting a clear head and I have to choose what to do. I guess I need to do what I feel is right, but I am now wondering about consequences.
There are conflicts of interest between my wife and I, she has things that she wants, but they conflict with things that I think need talked about or done. It may be my selfishness or maybe it's hers, I don't know, but it is killing me inside to know this. I wish I could tell her without it turning into a huge fight. I was told that you can't change the outcome of the situation, I know this, but I don't get it yet. Some day, hopefully I can get through to myself and understand my own shortcomings.  I'm very hard headed, you know, and I serve myself a heaping pile of, you know what. I have an inferiority complex, I can tell you that. I always feel like the small man in the room, even though I am 6 feet tall and 180 lbs. I don't think I am that great looking, and I feel terrible about how I have acted, and currently act.
I did do a good deed yesterday, I was talking with one of my fellow members, and told him about how I felt about crunch time and deadlines. I told him that he needs to trick himself, and set up a deadline for himself, and he will reap better results.
Tonight, he said he sat down and set a deadline, and pushed himself to hit it. He said it gave him a bit of breathing room, and he could sit and do it again for the next few nights to hit his deadline. It made me feel good, and I needed a bit of encouragement. I don't get that much, and I really need to hear it once in a while.

Support from Others

Last night, while at home I realized that I really needed a better support line than what I had. I was sitting with my wife, and trying to explain what was going on in a meeting with her, and also discussing times I needed to be out. After informing her of different things I needed to do to better myself, she responded with a line similar to, "when do I get time to do what I want?"
At that moment, I was completely shocked. My wife has always done her own thing, from going out and getting coffee, working out, visiting family,working out of the country, to having time for a side business. I would never do anything, hell, I was happy because I could drink longer, and do what I wanted. I had never thought my wife was callous and uncaring until then. Here I was trying to get help for an addiction, and I was being told it was taking up too much of my time!
She apologized, knowing what she said was wrong, but it really put some thoughts into my head. Is she right for me? What have I not been seeing or hearing when I was drunk? Does she really care? These are some tough questions, and need some processing. I knew our relationship wasn't in the best of shape, hell, I won't lie, it's damn close to the big D word. I am trying to make amends for my past, but in the end, forgiveness can only be given by the ones you transgress against. It is pretty much my fault on this, I have been drunk most of the time I have been with her, but those moments where clarity and understanding have shown through, I have always loved her and supported her. I think that the bad times have outweighed the good, and that I need to make an effort lest my marriage tumble and break for good.
I am trying, as hard as I can, I am trying to better myself. Perhaps I need that extra help from some higher place, some Higher Power, but I just don't know yet, I am stubborn. I need to talk to some people, to actually pour my heart out, and fill it with the wonders I had when I was a kid. I need that, desperately.

Skipped a Few Days

Well, I didn't mean to, but I slipped up on posting daily. I was a busy man all weekend with meetings and time with the family...oh, and Fallout New Vegas. I can't get enough of certain games, and this is one of them.
I was given a copy of the Big Book at a meeting earlier, and I have slowly begun to read it. So far, passages have come up that have made me evaluate my life, and what problems I have had. I've heard stories of those who have completed the first 3 steps in their program, then have given up over and over again. I don't want to be that guy.
I guess I want that bliss of knowing a purpose, of understanding myself, and having less weight on my shoulders at all times. So far, 2 weeks without drinking has been a little rough, though I still persevere. I am still attending meetings, and learning things about myself at every one of them.
I heard a story last night about a guy that I could have sworn was me 15 years in the future and just about cried, it definitely hit home. He said some powerful things and identified his problems and what they caused.
I don't want to get stuck, I don't want to go to bed anymore saying to myself that that was the last time I was ever going to drink. I've thrown up and kept drinking, I am a bit more clear headed than I was a week ago, but I still have a long way to go.

Realizing the Problem

Words flowed from last night's guest speaker at the A.A. Meeting which really made me feel a bit more at ease. Let me explain a bit about the situation he talked about which led me to this. He explained that he used to fight well, pretty much everyone. His anger and frustrations were taken out on others and this was an excuse to drink.
I am no story teller, so he could explain it better, but he knew that fighting was his addiction attempting to surface again. He constantly battled it, knowing that it was a problem, he would have to pause and reflect, giving himself time to cool down. My story is a bit different.
I only fought with a few people, my addiction didn't see it as a way of getting through. Instead, I would bicker with my wife, have a hard day at work, and just about any other excuse to have a drink. "I work hard, I deserve to have a few drinks after work." I would say. Truth be told, I didn't deserve those drinks, because one beer would turn into two, then eight, then twelve. This would go on until it was early in the morning and I would have to work that day, or until I passed out. I deserved it though, right? Because I was functioning, I was a normal part of society, right? No, was covering up the fact that I couldn't stop when I started. I couldn't face reality.
I recently read somewhere that "you are not your mind." "OK, I thought, that makes no sense." The truth is, you aren't your mind. You are a passenger for your conscious thoughts, a vessel, a conduit, and a robot for these thoughts.
Your subconsciousness is a part of you that KNOWS what is right, knows what you need, and it tries to tell you in dreams and reactions to things. It scared me thinking this way, but I guess I need a good scare here and there.

I See Me

Last night, a fellow alcoholic shared his story, which at first, I thought wasn't going to have any impact on my life, but as usual I was wrong. He said that it wasn't when he was at home alone that he felt the urge to drink, it was when he had a case of the ISM's. "What the hell are the ISM's?" I wondered.
He explained that when he would start drinking again, he would look back and only see himself and his wants, "I See Me" is how he put it. At first it didn't digest, denial is easy, acceptance is tough, but it started sinking in.
I have been selfish, both with my love and understanding. I haven't sat down and thought about solutions, I would sit down and drink the problems away. The problems were never going away, sure they would be swept under the rug, but they were still there. It takes time to realize this, it takes even longer to come to terms with it. With the problems still there, I have to sit down, evaluate, and repair problems that I have ignored for over 20 years. I have a tough road ahead, but I am willing to at least give it a try.

What's your function?

The title may be a bit misleading, I mean it. What I really mean is what's your poison? In my life, I am addicted to beer, I can function well into a 12 pack and not bat an eye. I'm not a huge fan of liquor or wine, but they'll do. What I have been focusing on in the past few days, I have been listening to commercials and seeing advertisements for happy hours and such.
It comes as no surprise that there are so many out there, but that was never my problem. The grocery store, the gas station, and the liquor store are my problems. The grocery store is definitely my biggest downfall, having to go shopping as I used to do, but without buying a 12 pack or something.
Last night was my first A.A. meeting, I had no idea what to expect, yeah of course I had a clue with TV and all, but nothing to compare it to other than that. It was different, good, but different. The people cared about what others were saying. Some were there court mandated, or by their parent's wishing, but the ones who were there of their own volition, those were the ones I really enjoyed meeting. All walks of life, all perspectives, and all very dedicated to being sober.
One of the MOST important things I took from that meeting was it is the first drink that gets you. I used to drink a 12 pack on my own in a few hours, and know that this is the truth. I find myself reflecting on the problems that were in my life, and for the most part, alcohol was the revolving theme.
It kept me awake most of the night, I won't lie. I was trying to find a few situations where this wasn't the fact, but other than things outside of my control booze was flowing through my system.
It's a scary thought, knowing that you beat yourself up over and over again, and left yourself open to these situations. I have had alot of close calls, and alot of understanding people stand by me even when I didn't know what I was standing for. I still have alot of meditation to do on myself, especially concerning what I want, I have never really thought about it. I never really planned anything, I just flowed out like beer out of a bottle. So tonight, it is time for some reflection.

Keep on Track

Yesterday I went to the grocery store as I normally do on Sundays, and had one of those "make it or break it" moments. Going up and down the aisles looking for the normal stuff, I had to get a frozen pizza and turned down the aisle. In that moment, I realized where I was, the beer aisle.
Right next to the frozen pizza I needed was the one thing I didn't need in the grocery store, but wanted more than anything that I had in my cart. It made me realize how tough this road was that I started over a week ago.
Luckily, I have a great amount of perseverance, and will stick to my guns on this. I guess writing about alcoholism and everyday life helps me out. I also have a great son to think about, which helps my chances and my outlook on things. I have also looked into looked into help, and am starting A.A. meetings this week.
I will be attending counseling, which my insurance seems to cover most of it, but I need to look into more. My overall idea is to get as much help as I can, but when it really boils down to it, it is still all up to me. I made the choice to get started, and I made the choice to continue. Now, it is my choice to stop, I did it before for a while, but this time I mean to not cave in. It is a long hard road to keep on, but with support, and perseverance, I'm sure I can stay the course.

Trials and Tribulations

A wise person once said that you have to let something go before it can be missed. My wife and I are heading into a trial separation, and I think I need to let her go...again. You see, the first time I never really did let go. I pushed myself back into the mix, and it was wrong.
I needed that small separation to be with my own thoughts and repair those parts of me that were bleeding wounds covered with bandaids. I never really gave myself a chance to heal, instead focusing on the problem at hand. It didn't help in the long run, minute details caught up with the present from the past, and here I am again with the same wounds, but deeper and infected. I take things out on people I shouldn't, and treat people with no respect.
I snubbed someone today, and I shouldn't have. It was rude, callous, and a little uncomfortable for others, but I felt I needed to do it. Maybe it wasn't the proper thing to do, but there are points I haven't been treated as an equal by this person in the past, and I feel I am always on a short fuse lately. I guess I could have been a bit nicer, especially since they were attempting to be nice to me, but I also was taught not to talk behind other people's backs, and to treat your elders with respect.
I never get this from this person in particular, and I think they misconstrued my introvert personality as a sign that I don't care about anything. This could be farther from the truth, I am selfish, I love my wife and son, and I work hard to ensure that they can be happy. I'm not saying my wife is, obviously, since we are having so many problems.
Maybe I feel the need to be nasty to this person is because my wife has been spending most of her free time talking to her, and going out and having fun while I sit at home and wait? Or it could be some previous comments made concerning my family or myself that make me feel this way? It could be, that I have heard things said when I wasn't supposed to concerning how I am as a person.
Any one of these could be true, but in all honesty it is all of the above. I don't really care whether they understand, and maybe I do deep down. Maybe I am a bit jealous, as that is time I would like with my wife, or to have someone I could go hang out with.
I guess I need to make some friends around the area, since that is a part of it. When we moved out of our old apartment, I had friends that I would hang out with on occasions. Now, I am a homebody, and a grump half the time.
I'm attempting to overcome that, good vibrations and all, happy days with my son smiling his head off at me make my day for sure!

Another Day Without

I have been working on living a life without drinking. So far, I haven't started going to A.A. meetings, but I will start soon. I have always done things on my own, and have been sober for over a week now. My head is still a jumble of thoughts, and I am still trying to put them all together in some order.
This blog is one of the ways to help me do this, and also to cope with problems that have been persisting and festering. I have been a pain and burden, and probably cause some more later, but hopefully not. While being a father is the best thing I could do, I am also a terrible parent in some aspects. I have to deal with this fact on a daily basis, and it is always in my subconscious.
My wife feels I have never supported her in any of her endeavors, and has felt alone for so long, that now we are almost at wits end. I never wanted it to go so far, but it did, and now the consequences could be dire. As days progress, I see exactly where she is coming from, and also know that I value her more than she realizes. I am proud of all that she has accomplished, from gaining a higher position at work to raising our son as best she can with me as a husband.
Don't get me wrong, for the most part I am a great dad, although I have my moments of absolute idiocy and stupidity. I don't think sometimes about what I am saying or doing. It's these few moments where my anger gets the best of me and I let myself down. I am not perfect by any means, I am just a man trying his best to be all that is expected of him and more.

Trust is tough to gain.

I have trust issues. I can admit that truly and honestly. I try to overcome these fears and move on to a more fulfilled relationship with others. I keep finding myself drawn back into these problems that were there from past experiences which in turn makes for a less complete me.
There are times where I have gone through my wife's phone and email, I won't lie.
I don't want to at times, but I have had a relationship turn into some monster of heartache and anger, and it has turned me into an unfriendly man half the time towards the one I love. It hurts me to feel this way, but I am honest about it to my wife and myself, and am trying to break through and let go.
It's hard when I am lied to, and treated with disrespect. In all honesty, I think this is the number one issue with me is the disrespect I get. It probably stems from my father, and never getting respect from him, or from the fact that I never respected him either.
I know there are some deep rooted issues, and I can tell you it is hard working through them. I am trying to be a better person, and gain knowledge in the process. Wisdom is a powerful tool, and I wish I had the knowledge I had now 20 years ago.
Today, I woke up my son, and just seeing his smile put a tear on my face. I'll never admit it to my wife, because I don't think she understands that it was a sorrowful tear of joy. A moment where I loved him so much, and knew I would only see that smile a few mornings out of the week.
I think my wife really needs to understand that I haven't felt respected in quite while. I have been a terrible husband at times, I haven't been there, and I have made stupid mistakes. These mistakes I have to deal with constantly, and problems I will have to overcome in order to better myself.
I have been spoken about in a negative manner, and deserve it. It isn't like I don't.
One thing everyone deserves, though is happiness, and I need to find some for myself other than my son.

Double reset

"I guess it could be a life that gets better, but we won't be able to tell until later."
I heard these words, or read them someplace....I think. We all know how hard it can be to juggle life with a career, family, kids, birthdays, car problems, news, etc. Sometimes it can be overwhelming, and consume us. Some days we let our problems get the best of us and we lose ourselves in pity. I know I have, and I know it can cost you to continue down these slippery slope.
Here goes, I am an alcoholic. Not in the sense that I need a drink every day, but I can't stop when I start, and it usually ends badly. I have lost respect, dear friends, and almost my family due to me being selfish.
Yes, it is selfishness, the want to drink, to numb myself to problems which were caused by me or a simple problem turned big for no reason. There are moments where I caved in to this want, and thrown myself off the path I had started when I started this blog. I know I have tried many times to justify what I was doing, "It's just one drink." Or "I've had a rough day, so..." but these were just excuses for allowing myself to fall into that trap.
I don't expect everyone to do the same as me, but I am writing this because I want to give hope to others and vent a bit if I may. I have resumed working out, and resetting my schedule. It doesn't seem possible, but I actually enjoy the feeling of structure in my life. It's easy, it's organized, it simplifies problems that occurred in the past.
I have pushed my love life to the limit, and with a push back, I realized that I haven't been living, but just existing. There were plenty of things I wanted to do when I was younger, there were opportunities missed, and relationships broken. I want to change that. I want to help myself and others out. There was a time where I did these things to better myself, and I think I need to get back there.
Today, my challenge is to help out a stranger. Somehow, some way, one good deed can change a mind set.

Say it! I'm a slacker!

Yeah, I know, slacking at it's best when resetting life. Well, almost, I have completed some of the tasks that I have wanted.
After 3 years of trying, this year I started a new job, same pay but better benefits and a great weight lifted. I have also been giving alot more time to my son, which in all reality was most of my motivation to get this other position.
I don't want to just move out of my old job, I want to move up from where I was initially, in a dark stagnant pool of uncertainty about my son's future. I know where I want to go currently, which is a first for me. I have never really set my sights on something further than right now.
I have again reset myself, and have started with pushups every day. Getting back into shape is pushing me to do more all the time. It feels great! I won't lie, I am researching more, planning more, and generally doing more.
I am hoping this can motivate others to do exactly what I have been doing. Resetting life.