Trust is tough to gain.

I have trust issues. I can admit that truly and honestly. I try to overcome these fears and move on to a more fulfilled relationship with others. I keep finding myself drawn back into these problems that were there from past experiences which in turn makes for a less complete me.
There are times where I have gone through my wife's phone and email, I won't lie.
I don't want to at times, but I have had a relationship turn into some monster of heartache and anger, and it has turned me into an unfriendly man half the time towards the one I love. It hurts me to feel this way, but I am honest about it to my wife and myself, and am trying to break through and let go.
It's hard when I am lied to, and treated with disrespect. In all honesty, I think this is the number one issue with me is the disrespect I get. It probably stems from my father, and never getting respect from him, or from the fact that I never respected him either.
I know there are some deep rooted issues, and I can tell you it is hard working through them. I am trying to be a better person, and gain knowledge in the process. Wisdom is a powerful tool, and I wish I had the knowledge I had now 20 years ago.
Today, I woke up my son, and just seeing his smile put a tear on my face. I'll never admit it to my wife, because I don't think she understands that it was a sorrowful tear of joy. A moment where I loved him so much, and knew I would only see that smile a few mornings out of the week.
I think my wife really needs to understand that I haven't felt respected in quite while. I have been a terrible husband at times, I haven't been there, and I have made stupid mistakes. These mistakes I have to deal with constantly, and problems I will have to overcome in order to better myself.
I have been spoken about in a negative manner, and deserve it. It isn't like I don't.
One thing everyone deserves, though is happiness, and I need to find some for myself other than my son.