I See Me

Last night, a fellow alcoholic shared his story, which at first, I thought wasn't going to have any impact on my life, but as usual I was wrong. He said that it wasn't when he was at home alone that he felt the urge to drink, it was when he had a case of the ISM's. "What the hell are the ISM's?" I wondered.
He explained that when he would start drinking again, he would look back and only see himself and his wants, "I See Me" is how he put it. At first it didn't digest, denial is easy, acceptance is tough, but it started sinking in.
I have been selfish, both with my love and understanding. I haven't sat down and thought about solutions, I would sit down and drink the problems away. The problems were never going away, sure they would be swept under the rug, but they were still there. It takes time to realize this, it takes even longer to come to terms with it. With the problems still there, I have to sit down, evaluate, and repair problems that I have ignored for over 20 years. I have a tough road ahead, but I am willing to at least give it a try.

What's your function?

The title may be a bit misleading, I mean it. What I really mean is what's your poison? In my life, I am addicted to beer, I can function well into a 12 pack and not bat an eye. I'm not a huge fan of liquor or wine, but they'll do. What I have been focusing on in the past few days, I have been listening to commercials and seeing advertisements for happy hours and such.
It comes as no surprise that there are so many out there, but that was never my problem. The grocery store, the gas station, and the liquor store are my problems. The grocery store is definitely my biggest downfall, having to go shopping as I used to do, but without buying a 12 pack or something.
Last night was my first A.A. meeting, I had no idea what to expect, yeah of course I had a clue with TV and all, but nothing to compare it to other than that. It was different, good, but different. The people cared about what others were saying. Some were there court mandated, or by their parent's wishing, but the ones who were there of their own volition, those were the ones I really enjoyed meeting. All walks of life, all perspectives, and all very dedicated to being sober.
One of the MOST important things I took from that meeting was it is the first drink that gets you. I used to drink a 12 pack on my own in a few hours, and know that this is the truth. I find myself reflecting on the problems that were in my life, and for the most part, alcohol was the revolving theme.
It kept me awake most of the night, I won't lie. I was trying to find a few situations where this wasn't the fact, but other than things outside of my control booze was flowing through my system.
It's a scary thought, knowing that you beat yourself up over and over again, and left yourself open to these situations. I have had alot of close calls, and alot of understanding people stand by me even when I didn't know what I was standing for. I still have alot of meditation to do on myself, especially concerning what I want, I have never really thought about it. I never really planned anything, I just flowed out like beer out of a bottle. So tonight, it is time for some reflection.

Keep on Track

Yesterday I went to the grocery store as I normally do on Sundays, and had one of those "make it or break it" moments. Going up and down the aisles looking for the normal stuff, I had to get a frozen pizza and turned down the aisle. In that moment, I realized where I was, the beer aisle.
Right next to the frozen pizza I needed was the one thing I didn't need in the grocery store, but wanted more than anything that I had in my cart. It made me realize how tough this road was that I started over a week ago.
Luckily, I have a great amount of perseverance, and will stick to my guns on this. I guess writing about alcoholism and everyday life helps me out. I also have a great son to think about, which helps my chances and my outlook on things. I have also looked into looked into help, and am starting A.A. meetings this week.
I will be attending counseling, which my insurance seems to cover most of it, but I need to look into more. My overall idea is to get as much help as I can, but when it really boils down to it, it is still all up to me. I made the choice to get started, and I made the choice to continue. Now, it is my choice to stop, I did it before for a while, but this time I mean to not cave in. It is a long hard road to keep on, but with support, and perseverance, I'm sure I can stay the course.

Trials and Tribulations

A wise person once said that you have to let something go before it can be missed. My wife and I are heading into a trial separation, and I think I need to let her go...again. You see, the first time I never really did let go. I pushed myself back into the mix, and it was wrong.
I needed that small separation to be with my own thoughts and repair those parts of me that were bleeding wounds covered with bandaids. I never really gave myself a chance to heal, instead focusing on the problem at hand. It didn't help in the long run, minute details caught up with the present from the past, and here I am again with the same wounds, but deeper and infected. I take things out on people I shouldn't, and treat people with no respect.
I snubbed someone today, and I shouldn't have. It was rude, callous, and a little uncomfortable for others, but I felt I needed to do it. Maybe it wasn't the proper thing to do, but there are points I haven't been treated as an equal by this person in the past, and I feel I am always on a short fuse lately. I guess I could have been a bit nicer, especially since they were attempting to be nice to me, but I also was taught not to talk behind other people's backs, and to treat your elders with respect.
I never get this from this person in particular, and I think they misconstrued my introvert personality as a sign that I don't care about anything. This could be farther from the truth, I am selfish, I love my wife and son, and I work hard to ensure that they can be happy. I'm not saying my wife is, obviously, since we are having so many problems.
Maybe I feel the need to be nasty to this person is because my wife has been spending most of her free time talking to her, and going out and having fun while I sit at home and wait? Or it could be some previous comments made concerning my family or myself that make me feel this way? It could be, that I have heard things said when I wasn't supposed to concerning how I am as a person.
Any one of these could be true, but in all honesty it is all of the above. I don't really care whether they understand, and maybe I do deep down. Maybe I am a bit jealous, as that is time I would like with my wife, or to have someone I could go hang out with.
I guess I need to make some friends around the area, since that is a part of it. When we moved out of our old apartment, I had friends that I would hang out with on occasions. Now, I am a homebody, and a grump half the time.
I'm attempting to overcome that, good vibrations and all, happy days with my son smiling his head off at me make my day for sure!

Another Day Without

I have been working on living a life without drinking. So far, I haven't started going to A.A. meetings, but I will start soon. I have always done things on my own, and have been sober for over a week now. My head is still a jumble of thoughts, and I am still trying to put them all together in some order.
This blog is one of the ways to help me do this, and also to cope with problems that have been persisting and festering. I have been a pain and burden, and probably cause some more later, but hopefully not. While being a father is the best thing I could do, I am also a terrible parent in some aspects. I have to deal with this fact on a daily basis, and it is always in my subconscious.
My wife feels I have never supported her in any of her endeavors, and has felt alone for so long, that now we are almost at wits end. I never wanted it to go so far, but it did, and now the consequences could be dire. As days progress, I see exactly where she is coming from, and also know that I value her more than she realizes. I am proud of all that she has accomplished, from gaining a higher position at work to raising our son as best she can with me as a husband.
Don't get me wrong, for the most part I am a great dad, although I have my moments of absolute idiocy and stupidity. I don't think sometimes about what I am saying or doing. It's these few moments where my anger gets the best of me and I let myself down. I am not perfect by any means, I am just a man trying his best to be all that is expected of him and more.

Trust is tough to gain.

I have trust issues. I can admit that truly and honestly. I try to overcome these fears and move on to a more fulfilled relationship with others. I keep finding myself drawn back into these problems that were there from past experiences which in turn makes for a less complete me.
There are times where I have gone through my wife's phone and email, I won't lie.
I don't want to at times, but I have had a relationship turn into some monster of heartache and anger, and it has turned me into an unfriendly man half the time towards the one I love. It hurts me to feel this way, but I am honest about it to my wife and myself, and am trying to break through and let go.
It's hard when I am lied to, and treated with disrespect. In all honesty, I think this is the number one issue with me is the disrespect I get. It probably stems from my father, and never getting respect from him, or from the fact that I never respected him either.
I know there are some deep rooted issues, and I can tell you it is hard working through them. I am trying to be a better person, and gain knowledge in the process. Wisdom is a powerful tool, and I wish I had the knowledge I had now 20 years ago.
Today, I woke up my son, and just seeing his smile put a tear on my face. I'll never admit it to my wife, because I don't think she understands that it was a sorrowful tear of joy. A moment where I loved him so much, and knew I would only see that smile a few mornings out of the week.
I think my wife really needs to understand that I haven't felt respected in quite while. I have been a terrible husband at times, I haven't been there, and I have made stupid mistakes. These mistakes I have to deal with constantly, and problems I will have to overcome in order to better myself.
I have been spoken about in a negative manner, and deserve it. It isn't like I don't.
One thing everyone deserves, though is happiness, and I need to find some for myself other than my son.

Double reset

"I guess it could be a life that gets better, but we won't be able to tell until later."
I heard these words, or read them someplace....I think. We all know how hard it can be to juggle life with a career, family, kids, birthdays, car problems, news, etc. Sometimes it can be overwhelming, and consume us. Some days we let our problems get the best of us and we lose ourselves in pity. I know I have, and I know it can cost you to continue down these slippery slope.
Here goes, I am an alcoholic. Not in the sense that I need a drink every day, but I can't stop when I start, and it usually ends badly. I have lost respect, dear friends, and almost my family due to me being selfish.
Yes, it is selfishness, the want to drink, to numb myself to problems which were caused by me or a simple problem turned big for no reason. There are moments where I caved in to this want, and thrown myself off the path I had started when I started this blog. I know I have tried many times to justify what I was doing, "It's just one drink." Or "I've had a rough day, so..." but these were just excuses for allowing myself to fall into that trap.
I don't expect everyone to do the same as me, but I am writing this because I want to give hope to others and vent a bit if I may. I have resumed working out, and resetting my schedule. It doesn't seem possible, but I actually enjoy the feeling of structure in my life. It's easy, it's organized, it simplifies problems that occurred in the past.
I have pushed my love life to the limit, and with a push back, I realized that I haven't been living, but just existing. There were plenty of things I wanted to do when I was younger, there were opportunities missed, and relationships broken. I want to change that. I want to help myself and others out. There was a time where I did these things to better myself, and I think I need to get back there.
Today, my challenge is to help out a stranger. Somehow, some way, one good deed can change a mind set.